Despite my best efforts, it seems I’ve somehow become an adult. I’m not sure when or how this change occurred but I can tell you how I know it’s happened.
1. I am able to kill spiders. At the age of twelve my mom tried to force me to vacuum up a spider that had stationed itself above the doorway to my bathroom. It was small, not bothering anyone, and far out of my reach. I refused to shower until it was removed. My mom armed me with the hose to the vacuum and a long extension. For a solid ten minutes I stood there with the hose in my hand, sobbing uncontrollably and unable to do the deed. The problem was that once the vacuum sucked up the spider, it would pass down the tube, which was in my hand, meaning my bare flesh would be centimeters from the spider. Yes, I know the vacuum was separating us, but my brain didn’t comprehend that.
My new apartment, though a serious upgrade from the last place, seems to play host to a unnervingly large number of spiders. I am proud to announce, however, that not only have I been able to vacuum up every creepy crawly that finds its way into my space, I have actually been able to use a paper towel and simply snatch spiders off the wall with my BARE HANDS.
I used to think that when my poor children called their mom to kill a spider I would simply stand there with them, not letting the spider escape my sight, until my husband came home, at which time he would be required to take care of the spider. Not anymore! Now I have confidence in my ability to dispose of any spider that dares enter my realm!
2. I’m mastering my credit card. I got a credit card senior year of college and used it once in a while just to build up some good credit. I now use my card for almost everything and promptly pay off my bill every month.
A few weeks ago, I made a massive grocery run and really stocked up on everything. The next day I got an email from my credit card company letting me know that tomorrow they would be offering 5% cash back on groceries. Tomorrow!? Why didn’t I wait to do my big grocery run!?
Only adults get pissed about this sort of thing.
3. Grown ups use coasters and clean dishes. My school friends have all moved into their own apartments in the city now and have begun their real lives in the work world. This weekend, one of my friends had a birthday, so he and his roommate invited us all over for a potluck dinner.
So there we were, hanging out in the living room of an apartment my friends actually paid to live in, eating food we all actually cooked, putting our drinks on real coasters, watching Jeopardy. Yes, watching Jeopardy. And we were into it.
But the moment I really realized I was growing up was after dinner before dessert. I never understood when the grown ups at our family parties would all pitch in and do dishes after dinner. I was always like, “If I was at someone’s party, I’d never do all their dishes. I hate doing dishes. What weirdos.”
But there I was, at the sink, washing dishes like nobody’s business. Yes, my ulterior motive was that we needed clean plates to enjoy dessert, but still! I actually understood why grown ups all pitched in to help clean up dishes at parties.
Spider killer, finance queen, coaster user…this is adulthood at its finest.